This is how we do it: “I’ve been worried about his kinks, but I’m learning to relax and have fun” | Life and style
Marty, 47
The sex is gentle and tender…what I have with Viv is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before
Seven months before I met Viv, my marriage had just ended and I was having the best sex of my life with a good friend. Amazing, amazing sex as I discovered that I was being humiliated and flogged. The depth of trust required made me feel truly safe, excited, and even cared for. Things ended with that friend when she moved abroad. I was still grieving the loss when I matched with Viv on Tinder.
Sex is nice and affectionate with her. At first, I wondered if that would be enough after the intense experience I’d just come out of. Four months later, I tried to end things.
After two days, I realized I made a mistake. What I have with Viv is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I have been married for 10 years to a woman who gaslighted me and controlled me financially. But Viv was kind and generous, and for the first time, it was mutual. She also has the smoothest skin and gorgeous curves. My friend even said to me: “What are you doing? Viv loves you. You’re really arrogant.”
I can fall into the trap of arrogance – feeling as if I have a lot to know after my last experience, but not a lot to learn. That arrogance was something I had to check for myself. I’ve learned that amazing sex that lasts all afternoon isn’t the only kind — it doesn’t have to be athletic, sensual, and kinky to be great. He could be softer and more loving, and I could also learn from Viv. You have shown me generosity in bed, which I never had before. On the outside, we are very different, but inside, we both want to be loved.
We went to a sex shop and bought a whipping device, but Viv is too embarrassed to use it. I don’t want to pay it. I can imagine she will in the future, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if it didn’t happen. I didn’t know these things about myself until 18 months ago, are these my needs or just a bonus? Right now, having a loving environment is more important to me.
Viv, 43
Marty brought sex back into my life. Even the thought of having sex with him turns me on
Marty is the third person I’ve had sex with. The first was my ex-husband, who I was with for 25 years. I wasn’t interested in sex at all for 15 years, and I developed vaginismus – sex became very uncomfortable and I would stop eating. I felt ashamed to have sex, perhaps because that youthful awkwardness never went away with my husband, but none of it did with Marty. Feeling sexy again for the first time in so long was exciting. I felt normal and healthy. Life felt better instantly.
My initial impression of Marty was that he was someone I would like to be friends with. On the surface, we seem like an odd couple – he’s bohemian, while I’m more materialistic. The end of my marriage was heartbreaking – I found out my husband was cheating on me, so part of me wanted to sabotage things with Marty out of fear. But when he finished, I was shocked.
Marty brought sex back into my life. Even the thought of having sex with him turns me on. He’s much more experienced, and at first the thought of him being with someone else made me jealous, but now I find his past fascinating. I was worried that Marty’s kinks might mean we weren’t compatible. But I’m learning to relax and play with it. When he asks me to slap him and tell him he’s worthless, I laugh. I have a problem with the worthless part, so I told him he was a brat instead.
With my husband, it felt like we were doing it wrong, whereas with Marty sex is more about the journey than the destination, and we’re more open about what we want. Marty comes over on the weekends and one evening a week, which I always look forward to. I used to think that for a relationship to be real, you had to live together, but I’m still getting used to being alone, and learning how to be alone instead of alone. That way, we would each have our own space, and I would enjoy the anticipation.