“It’s incredibly helpful”: Why small talk is actually great | Well actually
Holidays are coming. As we get ready to mix, mingle and celebrate, I think it’s important to set the record straight about something: small talk is great!
People love to complain about small talk. on RedditPeople say it’s “painful”, “dishonest” and “a chore”. Some of my friends described it as “boring” and “exhausting.” A 2016 Wired An article titled “Small Talk Should Be Banned” argued that idle chatting “neither builds relationships nor makes us happier,” but persists because “we actively seek the lowest common denominator.” Instead, the authors suggest deeper conversation topics, such as: “What is your relationship with God?” Or what is the thing you fear in life?
I’m here to respectfully say: This is all wrong.
First, I find the anti-small talk stance to be arrogant, characterized by a sense that one is more thoughtfully and deeply involved in life than anyone else. When I was in middle school, I knew a kid who only listened to inaccessible goth rock, and dismissed anyone who listened to Top 40 as superficial and stupid. This is what haters of small talk seem like to me: “Do you want to talk about the weather? Oh, have you ever heard of death?!”
Sure, small talk sometimes sucks. I once got stuck talking to someone for 30 minutes about a pencil. But you can’t always expect everyone to meet you in the depths of human existence. Maybe the person you’re talking to has had a long day and still has to get home, make dinner, and put the kids to bed. Would you ask them to think about what happens after we die? Everyone’s just trying to go about their day, and sometimes the easiest way is to debate whether or not Chrishell Stause is right Leave the sunset sale (she).
“I find small talk very helpful,” says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute, which provides etiquette advice and training. She describes small talk as a “safe zone” for people to come together. Religion, sex and politics are all excellent conversation topics, but they may not be accessible or comfortable for everyone all of the time, she says. Chatting about last night’s soccer game, the food at an event, or someone’s hobbies is a much easier way to build an initial relationship. Then, if the other person seems open, you can delve into deeper topics.
Two years ago, for example, a man in his late 60s sat next to me on a plane and we started chatting. We said hello and exchanged pleasantries about the (hot) weather and why we were traveling (to see family). We talked about work and recent vacations, and by the end of the two-hour drive, I knew all about his various career pivots, and how psilocybin changed his life and saved his marriage. Interesting! But we only got there because we started with small conversations. If you started by asking, “What was your experience with psychedelics and how did it affect your relationships,” that might be off-putting.
Some people suspect that some people don’t like small talk because it doesn’t always allow them to be the star of the show – if you ask someone about their hobbies, you should listen to what they have to say. This may be a challenge for those who prefer to be the speakers. “Some people want to be seen a certain way, and they don’t feel that small talk makes them seen in that interesting way,” she says.
If you think small talk is boring, this may be a skill issue. It requires a real back and forth, even if it doesn’t probe the depths of someone’s soul. Post says listening attentively can dramatically improve the quality of your chat. “Raise your radar,” she explains. Pay attention to whether the other person seems interested, and whether they have contributed anything to the conversation. If you talk for a long time and the other person doesn’t say anything about the topic, they’re probably bored. “Their eyes may have sparkled a little,” Post says. “I’ll take it as a cue to change the subject and ask them something about themselves.” She suggests a question like: “What keeps you interested these days?”
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Yes, small talk can be superficial. But consider this: Sitting in a kiddie pool and sunbathing while sipping a soda is much more comfortable than shivering in the open ocean. Shallows can be exhilarating! So go ahead and talk about public transportation and the new restaurant that you heard is really good. But if someone brings a pencil, just pretend you have to answer a phone call.