‘If These Woes Could Talk’

Though I’m sure it’s unwise to have Thornhill back in the mix from a whole preventing-catastrophe POV, I’m delighted to see her. I love the mommy-dearest-psychosexual energy Christina Ricci brings to Thornhill’s whole deal with her monster boy. And it’s so funny to hear her tell Dr. Fairburn that Fairburn’s book “came in very handy when I was grooming Tyler!” Dr. Fairburn is desperate: She has no idea how to reach Tyler, and she thinks Thornhill is the only person who does. Thornhill’s terms: to be transferred here permanently “as a patient, not a prisoner,” and to see Tyler face-to-face. Horrible idea and I cannot believe Dr. Fairburn consented to it, but here we are!

Thornhill assures Tyler that “Mama’s here.” Yes, it’s Mommy! Mamacita! I burst out laughing at how hard Tyler was flexing in this scene. Once everyone can get a good, long look at his bod, he monsters out so he can choke Thornhill through the bars. In my notes, I write, I feel like this is NOT a secure enough facility …

It’s a big day for mamacita figures on this show, because who is Wednesday meeting at the mausoleum but Grandmama Hester (Joanna Lumley)! Grandmama is here to provide wisdom for the ages, such as: Bury your feelings deep inside “and allow them to slowly eat away at you.” Wednesday is searching the remains of the names from the obits she found at the bullpen. What she finds instead, in a perfect little sequence wherein we learn Grandmama taught young Wednesday to smell cremated remains like fine wines, is that a key scent is missing from these ashes: HUMAN. Someone faked these deaths, which means everyone in the obits is alive. As Wednesday processes this, the evil one-eyed crow shows up and flies off with her evidence in its beak. I have to side with Enid here: It’s time for Wednesday to start using a copy machine. She doesn’t even need to own one! She can make copies at her local public library for free!

I am enjoying the side of Wednesday that is not not a spoiled little rich girl; I would actually love to see how this could create interesting conflicts and dynamics between Wednesday and her fellow students. Like, Wednesday can just ask her rich Grandmama to buy the cemetery so she can find out what went down with these suspicious cremations. (She convinces Hester to do this by pointing out that assisting Wednesday in this way will make all of Morticia’s childhood insecurities come out. How thoughtful!) Wednesday has a diabolical superiority complex. She’s obsessed with being a lone wolf, but all her big wins have come with an assist from Thing, who (as we’ve seen) is functionally an unpaid servant. There’s a lot to work with there; I’m just saying!

Wednesday is ruminating on the big questions — who faked those patients’ deaths? Who is Lois? (Though, per my previous recap, is Lois even a “who”?) — and completely ignores the scrunchie on the doorknob, universal sign for “leave me alone so I can hook up with my hot wolf-pack boyfriend,” and walks right in on Enid and Bruno. For whatever it’s worth, Agnes the Invisigirl was already there. (Wednesday calls Agnes’s snooping on Enid “strike two.”) Agnes has a letter from Wednesday’s publisher that concludes with, “You’re incredibly difficult to work with … regrettably, I must drop you as a writer. Please seek help.” Wednesday would rather no one read her novel than make a compromise.

Wednesday needs to get into Willow Hill, where all the answers are. Who is the lunatic who can get her intel from the inside? Uncle Fester. He provides some new insight: Ophelia was in Willow Hill. Per Morticia’s request, Fester went to check on her, but Ophelia had snuck out by the time he got committed. (Or DID SHE?!) Love that Fester can spot Agnes because she moves too loudly, and that he approves of Wednesday keeping Agnes around as “an unpaid expendable gofer” (“I’m a big fan of child labor.”) Wednesday gives Fester his marching orders: Get committed to Willow Hill, find Lois, don’t get caught by Dr. Fairborn.

For Fester, getting committed to an insane asylum is a total cakewalk. He simply checks into a room at the Inn at Apple Hollow — where Bianca’s mom is in hiding — which he pays for with stolen bills (they’re covered in that exploded paint), then behaves like a nut, and before long he gets taken in by the cops, who bust him for carrying 18 passports and 33 driver’s licenses. Alas, this bit of trickery also ensnarls Bianca’s mom. I wish I cared more about that plot, but in an already jam-packed episode, it feels like wasted time and space. Still no payoff for the MorningSong thing, and it’s been a full season and a half!

Back at Nevermore, Ajax, Bianca, Eugene, and Pugs are all stuffing gala invitation envelopes as mandatory volunteer hours — punishment for the whole Slurp-at-the-campsite situation for the boys, and student-liaison work for Bianca. (We haven’t gotten into this much, BUT: What do you think Principal Dort is really fundraising for? Surely it’s not to assist the school … is he trying to take all the money and run? Do something wild and anti-normie? Gambling debt? Later, we will hear him on the phone promising someone, “Relax, I’ve never been more confident about anything,” which would certainly suggest some financial woes.) Ajax, newly single, is attuned to Bianca’s crisis — she admits her phone is buzzing like crazy because her mom is in trouble — and stones Dr. Orloff to buy them a couple hours of unsupervised time. Bianca sirens the other boys to stay put, and AGAIN, she breaks the damn clasp on the necklace. At the station, Bianca sirens the cops into forgetting the whole thing about her mom.

Wednesday confronts her mom over Aunt Ophelia’s time at Willow Hill. We learn that Grandmama is the one who sent Ophelia there because, in her sophomore year at Nevermore, Ophelia was found screaming in the quad with black tears streaming down her face. She’d pushed her psychic abilities too far. (Okay, so: Why would Morticia keep this information from Wednesday when she has been trying for months to get Wednesday to take the dangers of her powers more seriously? To what end?)

Grandmama arrives with a deed for the cemetery she bought Wednesday. “A woman should have a portfolio of her own,” she says, which is true! Interesting snide tone here about relying on your husband’s money … I don’t know the full family lore, but was Gomez already/even richer than Morticia when they got married? Fantastic smile by Jenna Ortega in this scene, too. This is the happiest we have seen Wednesday all season! Grandmama also reports to Wednesday that those death certificates were signed by Augustus Stonehurst.

Wednesday leaves to pursue her latest lead, giving Morticia and Hester a little private mother-daughter time. Grandmama advises a more hands-off approach, telling Morticia to give Wednesday space to grow. Morticia is not keen on taking parenting advice from a woman “whose youngest daughter has been missing for 20 years.” IS OPHELIA STILL AT WILLOW HILL?! Anyway, Grandmama will make a donation for Morticia’s gala fund on the condition that Morticia return Goody’s book to Wednesday. Thank GOD (or Satan?) Morticia says her family is nonnegotiable and throws the book in the fire.

So who is Augustus? Formerly the head doctor at Willow Hill, a teacher at Nevermore before that, and currently a patient at Willow Hill because he had a psychotic break. Enid, perhaps having learned from her failure to communicate with Ajax, confronts Wednesday over the sorry state of their friendship. She is right to say she’d be a great person to talk to about some of Wednesday’s present struggles — her powers not working, her mommy issues — but before this conversation can go anywhere useful, the murder of murderous crows attack. Principal Dort shoots flames from his fingers (nice!) and, though it’s a close call, saves Thing from their clutches. Wednesday chases her Avian stalker through the school — the timing of the chase rules out Principal Dort as a suspect, just in case he was still in the running for anybody — and ends up in the music room. Miss Capri and Dr. Fairburn are in there, so Wednesday suspects them both. Miss Capri just volunteered to teach music at Willow Hill. Wednesday, presumably to keep an eye on the conspicuously breathless Miss Capri, says she has decided to stay in the gala orchestra (didn’t talk about that in earlier recaps, sorry! But all story roads lead to the gala).

Over at Willow Hill, Fester is THRIVING. He has loved to be institutionalized since he was a zany, deeply unwell child. His brain scan is full of random household objects; he calls a straitjacket “Mr. Cuddlecoat.” He seduces, via intense eye contact, a cafeteria lady he thinks is named Lois, but turns out there was ketchup on her name tag and she’s actually named Louise. They make out anyway. Thing sneaks into Willow Hill by hitching a ride on Judi and Dr. Fairburn’s bumper and tells Fester, “Find Stonehurst and you’ll find Lois.” Gus, as he’s known around these parts, is hanging out with birds (!!). Fester gets a new clue from Ozzy the parrot, who is perched on Gus’s shoulder: 51971.

Wednesday asks Dr. Orloff if he can tell her anything about Stonehurst. Dr. Orloff never liked Stonehurst because he was a normie. Stonehurst’s wife died ages ago, but he had a daughter: “He built her an aviary up in Iago Tower.”

In another Willow Hill session, Thornhill tells Dr. Fairburn that a Hyde will never murder their master. Someone is awfully confident about that given her most recent interaction with Tyler! Thornhill also snitches on Fester, telling Dr. Fairburn that she spotted him in the halls and that he’s likely working with his niece. Fester is summarily exiled to a tiny cell, which he shares with a scary-looking monster dude (a zombie, if we’re allowed to say the Z-word) who is chained (loosely!) to the wall. Thing reports all of this back to Wednesday, who, as her mother warned, seems to have made everything worse, because now on top of everything, she has to break Fester out of Willow Hill.

Wednesday’s plan involves Agnes but not Enid, which of course wounds Enid’s already fragile feelings. Wednesday, just tell Enid what’s going on! Instead, Wednesday gives Enid the obviously lame assignment of “lookout.” Wednesday sneaks into Willow Hill in the trunk of Miss Capri’s car, thanks to a diversion (explosives) planted by Agnes, plus an assist from the smitten Louise.

Wednesday frees Fester, and neither of them think to close the cell door behind them, so the zombie roomie also breaks free, creating the distraction Thornhill needs to run away from security herself. She passes Wednesday in the hallway — great moment! The zombie situation sets off alarms that interrupt poor Miss Capri’s musical performance. It’s a code four! Everybody gets a gun even though it would appear that guns don’t work on, like, 70 percent of the spooky-scary Outcast types!

Using the code from the parrot, Fester and Wednesday break into the maintenance room, where they find a hidden door that leads to a basement, whose wall reads, “Long-term Outcast Integration Study.” LOIS. I KNEW IT WASN’T A PERSON! It’s a secret program for doing experiments on Outcasts!

Wednesday recognizes all the names of these prisoner-patients from the obits she stole from the bullpen. Their deaths were faked so they could be kept down here and experimented on forever. This is what Galpin was afraid would happen to Tyler. A woman with dark bangs asks Wednesday if she’s here to kill her. If not, “Leave me alone.” Looks like someone may have found her long-lost aunt! (Any theories as to why Ophelia has been “missing” but the rest of these prisoners were fake-dead? Why no fake death for Ophelia?)

The Avian stalker is here to reveal their true identity: It’s JUDI! Okay, she was on my list! Feeling good about myself and I hope you are, too. Judi announces that Dr. Fairburn works for her, not the other way around. Judi is Stonehurst’s daughter; her dad loved Outcasts so much, he wanted to be one, so — ahh, a classic tale — he experimented on them to figure out how to extract their abilities. Wednesday derisively calls this “a basement-bargain attempt at Dr. Moreau.” But Judi says she’s living proof of her father’s success: She was born a normie, and now she’s an Avian. Even Fester thinks it’s twisted for a parent to experiment on their own kid, in case you’re wondering how messed up all this is.

Fester zaps the whole place, shutting off the power and freeing all the Outcasts from their cages. They maul Judi, save for the woman in the corner — our likely Ophelia — whom Wednesday is drawn to and helps escape. In the chaos, Thornhill frees herself, goes back for Tyler, and frees him, too. Tyler turns on her and, just to be polite, gives Thornhill a five-second head start before he monsters out. On a show like this, I never say die, so even though it sure LOOKS like he killed her, I’ll believe it when I see her funeral and then also when Wednesday checks her remains for the scent of a woman. Also apparently dead: Dr. Fairburn, who is attacked by the roomie-zombie, and Gus, who is greeted by said roomie-zombie with a chilling, “Hello, old friend.”

Wednesday and likely-Ophelia face Tyler-monster in the hall. Wednesday sends Ophelia away to safety right before Tyler-monster throws Wednesday through the window and onto the street. Of course, there is no Wednesday without Wednesday, so we know she will survive this, but in the meantime she’s in pretty rough shape. I’d say … death-adjacent. Tyler-monster escapes into the night while Wednesday sits with the scariest thought of all: Her mother was right about her.