Here’s how to know you’re talking to a narcissist

Narcissists It is known for Their sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, superiority complex, and condescending attitude toward others. Talking to them can be frustrating and stressful, and what may seem like a straightforward conversation can quickly escalate into a fight you weren’t expecting. By learning some of the communication traits typical of people with narcissistic personality disorder, you will be better able to protect your mental health during these interactions.

“The great thing about narcissists is that they’re pretty predictable,” says Carrie Ann Cleveland, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. “Once you unmask and look under the mask, you can easily anticipate what they will say and what will excite them.”

This knowledge allows you to prepare for conversations and remain neutral during difficult interactions. “All of these types of communication are designed to trigger a reaction in you,” Cleveland says, and staying calm is one of the best ways to deal with them. “You never want to justify, argue, defend, or explain with a narcissist, because then you will fall into the cycle.”

With that in mind, we asked the experts exactly what to expect when you talk to a narcissist.

Abbreviation you should know

When people with narcissistic personality disorder feel like they are being challenged, they often resort to a manipulative tactic called DARVO, which stands for Denial, Attack, and Reversal of Victim and Perpetrator. “It’s the No. 1 red flag you should look out for when you’re talking to a narcissist,” says David Hawkins, a clinical psychologist and author of books among others. The weak narcissist and You’ve been labeled a narcissist, now what?

These are the three stages:

He denies

The first step in the DARVO process is denial. People with narcissism tend to “aggressively defend themselves against any claims or criticism,” Hawkins says. “They deny any wrongdoing and dismiss the accusations as false.” They might tell you that you’re being silly, for example, or that you’re exaggerating things. They will completely deny behavior and events that you know happened, and rewrite history by insisting that you remember things wrong.

attacks

People with narcissism often move to the next stage of attack, destroying the character and credibility of their loved ones. It’s not uncommon to hear language like this: “You’re crazy. You’re obsessed. You’re always starting fights,” Cleveland says. The narcissist may bring up past mistakes in an attempt to discredit the person whose behavior they criticize, or to pounce on known insecurities.

Opposite of victim and perpetrator

The final step of the Darfo response pattern involves role reversal: the narcissist positions themselves as the victim. In an attempt to gain sympathy and deflect attention away from their behavior, they claim that they are the ones being treated unfairly. For example, Cleveland says, they might declare: “I can’t believe you’re treating me like this after everything I’ve done for you.”

Read more: The worst things you can say to a narcissist

“They portray themselves as the oppressed, and you look like the aggressor,” she says. “You’re jumping around trying to defend yourself from these false accusations,” which can distract you from uncovering whatever behavior led to the confrontation in the first place.

Other common tactics

When mental health experts work with friends and family members of narcissists, they teach them how to recognize a variety of manipulative tactics. Here’s what to know about some of the things encountered most often:

Reducing

This maneuver revolves around the narcissist’s need to minimize the damage he causes. “She’s usually one of the first [tactics] “They frame offensive or hurtful words and behaviors as ‘no big deal’ by belittling your feelings,” says Cleveland. You’ll likely hear phrases like these: “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating again,” “You’re reading too much into it,” or “You’re too emotional.” The goal, she says, is to minimize your emotions until you begin to doubt yourself.

Downplaying a problem is a way to “subtly train others to believe it’s not as important as you think,” Cleveland says. Additionally, if something is “no big deal,” the narcissist does not have to apologize for it or change his behavior.

deviation

If a narcissist feels they are being criticized, they will often avoid accountability by changing the subject, blaming you for something that has nothing to do with the issue you have raised. Let’s say your colleague makes a mistake in an important report, for example. When you try to address the issue, they might say, “Well, last week you didn’t send that email on time.”

Read more: How to get rid of 8 toxic communication habits

“They’re so ashamed of hiding anything ordinary about themselves — even the flaws we all have — that any kind of confrontation creates anxiety and fear,” says J. J. Kelly, a clinical psychologist and author of The New York Times. Oh my God, I’m dealing with a narcissist! “They can’t even believe what’s coming out of their mouths – they just have to have it [the criticism] “Stay away from them,” they direct, even though their words may seem misplaced.

Artificial confusion

Narcissists sometimes pretend not to understand what you’re saying, so the conversation goes nowhere, Cleveland says. They intentionally act as if they are confused, forgetful, or unable to understand your point of view. “Narcissists use feigned confusion to evade responsibility,” she says.

For example, they may ask you to explain things over and over again, ask for excessive evidence or documentation, answer direct questions vaguely, and say things like “I’ll think about it” – and then never get back to you. Other common phrases: “I don’t remember agreeing to that,” “I don’t understand what you’re saying,” and “I didn’t know you needed that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s a powerful tool because it hinders progress,” says Cleveland, and you may feel tired, upset, and give up. “It aims to frustrate you and destabilize you emotionally until you lose your composure.”

Charming attack

Some narcissists attract people through intense flattery and friendly behavior. “If someone is too far from the cool camp, that could be a red flag that they’re performative,” Kelly says. “They act this way partly because they can’t stand the idea that people don’t like them,” she adds. But this charming nature can also be a tool used to assert control: “It makes you want to be generous with them” and apologize for any bad behavior, at least at first, she says.

Imagine you’re dating a charming narcissist who complains about you to a mutual friend. Because your partner is able to cope well, people may tend to think that they are not at fault. “They get people on their side with their charm offensive,” Kelly says. “That way, when someone meets them with reality and accountability, they have that team behind them.”

Projection

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism that narcissists sometimes use to accuse you of having the same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that they do, such as lying, cheating, or behaving in a controlling way. For example, if they are having an affair, they may accuse you Of unfaithfulness; If they lie, they will insist that you are the one lying. By doing so, Cleveland says, they “deflect suspicion away from themselves.” “Plus, it muddies the waters and puts you on the defensive.”

Sarcasm disguised as humor

That dig at your expense was just a joke, wasn’t it? Not always. Narcissists often disguise sarcasm as humor, slipping in terse remarks about your intelligence, competence, or appearance but portraying them as fun, Cleveland says. Think of a general statement like this: “Awesome! It takes a lot of confidence to wear an outfit like this!” Or: “Oh, don’t stress yourself out, you might have to work already.” When do you call them on it? Come on, they were just teasing and didn’t mean anything by it.

Read more: 7 things you should say when someone gaslights you

“It’s a way to attack, belittle or demean you while protecting themselves from accountability by reframing their words as harmless humor,” Cleveland says. Over time, these “jokes” will chip away at your self-confidence, she says, keeping the narcissist in the dominant role.

How to respond

Once you recognize these techniques and patterns, Cleveland says, you’ll be better able to deal with them without feeling offended or upset. The overall best response to each of these toxic communication styles is the same: stay calm, calm, and neutral. The key is to refuse to engage in circular or inflammatory conversations, and instead set boundaries and step out of unproductive conversations. She suggests using closed answers: “I understand that’s your point of view. I see it differently.”

Kelly promotes the power of radical acceptance, and coming to terms with the fact that during your relationship with a narcissist, you will likely be misunderstood when they try to present you as the guilty party. “It’s completely normal to want to clarify when you’ve been misrepresented,” she says. “But you can respect yourself, act according to your values, and extract yourself by not explaining or defending yourself. You know who you are.”