I’ll say it: Don’t change your name when you get married

It doesn’t start with changing the name.

Today is the first day of engagement for some women, Monday morning. Girlfriend went on a weekend getaway and fiancée went out. She’s traded at least two nights of sleep, so far, for binging on Pinterest, Instagram, and WeddingTok, happily and temporarily extricating herself from the busy real world to focus on venues, gowns, and appetizers. She spent the weekend making phone calls, posting photos, and staring at the engagement ring on her hand until she had a headache in her neck. And gifts! Her parents sent flowers. Her friends, champagne. Her co-workers are waiting this morning, with lattes, eager to hear all the details.

But when she comes home tonight, there will be: the gift that makes her stop. Is she one of her future mother-in-law? I mean we can’t say for sure, but yeah.

It’s a hoodie. Or Stanley. Or a box of stationery so huge that she wouldn’t be able to get it in four internet-free lifetimes. Whatever it is, it’s personalized with unusual initials. Just one letter takes a minute. Maybe even say “Mrs.”

This doesn’t seem right.

It has always been strange to me that the discussion about a woman changing her name when she gets married is one that begins with the assumption that she will do so. The question falls into the same whirlwind as “When do you think?!?” and “Where are you thinking?!?” It was treated as a convivial gift, in a way that placed a double burden on the bride: if she did not want to change her name, she should do her best to notice it. It also risks dampening the mood, depending on the context. Often times, the entire name change conversation starts with the bride smiling brightly during all the pre-wedding events. Not a chance in hell, you think, but I’ll deal with it later.

But later it became quite hectic. I’ve been here long enough to witness dozens of friends get married, and I’ve been party to almost as many confessions of the strange dynamics surrounding that choice. With so many decisions going into wedding planning, each with so many invested players, the identity of the bride can easily become a victim of burnout — just another box to check, hopefully with minimal discomfort from anyone’s parents. When I was planning my wedding, the amount of time I spent thinking about changing my name was longer than I spent thinking about flowers but shorter than I spent doing it Before Cana. I knew I didn’t want to do it, and my now-husband was supportive, but it was treated almost like a secret. I didn’t want to bring down the vibe by correcting anyone who called me a “lady.” It was part of the fun, wasn’t it?