I’m content with being single. How do I make people understand that I am happy the way I am? | family
I am 54 years old, and although I have been married for 22 years, I have been single for 14 years. I was married again briefly a few years ago, but that separation was short-lived.
At this point in my life, I feel truly fulfilled. I’m alone, but by no means alone. I have a satisfying work-life balance, and I am extremely grateful for my three daughters and grandchildren, who bring me happiness and purpose.
My question is: How do I make people understand that I am happy the way I am? Friends and family often tell me that I “need” to find someone, or that I shouldn’t be alone, as if my single status must mean something is missing. Some people assume that I’m simply waiting to meet the right person, but that’s not the case. Their comments started to wear me down, making me question myself and feel frustrated at times.
How do I cut out the noise and unwanted advice from those who think they know what’s best for me, and get back to simply enjoying my life as it is – peaceful, independent, and full in its own way?
Eleanor says: It’s hard for people to face when someone says, “I don’t need this to be happy.” Anyone whose life deviates from mainstream expectations gets this, even from well-meaning loved ones. Wait, you’re saying you don’t need a lot of money to be happy? Why not make more choices in pursuit of money? Oh, you’re saying you don’t need kids to be happy? But what are you going to do about having children?
You can feel condescending, like you’re wrong about whether your life is going well.
People don’t always realize how presumptuous these questions feel when it comes to getting a partner. However, switch the subject, and it appears as if it were backlit in black. Imagine saying to someone who is married, happily, with a rewarding job, “Now we just need to find your best friend” — cheerfully, as if you were helping him maintain his chin. It’s just a coincidence of our culture that saying, “Now you need to find a partner!”, seems less strange.
To respond to these things – including, perhaps, in your head – I wonder if you could play with different ways of describing things.
Sometimes people think they are describing things accurately when in reality they are mapping their minds onto the world. They look at the scene and think, because Identification card I feel lonely there, that it Lonely. Or because Identification card get bored of it, that it boring. Maybe people look at your life and think, because Identification card You feel incomplete without a partner, that it patchy.
But different people can describe the same scene in completely different ways. The danger is that you believe other people’s descriptions when in reality they are only saying how they did it feel.
How would you describe your life if you said what you felt? Where others see the absence of one type of relationship, perhaps you see the value of diversity. Where they see “a bit lonely,” you see the quiet confidence of self-sufficiency. When they see someone who can have more, they see someone who has more than enough.
Using these descriptions when talking about your life, even to yourself, can make a big difference. It’s the difference between thinking, “I’m back to an empty house,” and “I’m coming home to peace.” If people really push this, you can clearly tell them what a scene from your life looks like to you. “For me, what I see in the morning with my grandchildren is pure joy and complete attention. I don’t feel like anything is missing.” Or, even if my calculations are correct, “You see someone who is not married. I see someone who got married at 18.” The goal is not to say, “Trust me, I’m happy with this,” but to change their sense of who they are this It is – to help them see your life according to your description, rather than theirs.
You seem really happy. The fact that some people prefer to have a partner does not mean that the partner is objectively preferable. Don’t let other people’s descriptions of your life convince you that you’re not happy.