“Wife Swap: Real Housewives Recap: Melissa Tidys Up”.

Last time I watched wives swap, Jill Zarin was exchanging places with Gina von Uy. Oh, you read that right. Jill was turning with six of blossom. As Jill would say, von ui fi! The original series was more about classics than anything else. A wealthy woman, often from an urban area, will move on to a less wealthy woman, usually from a rural area. The rich lady was struggling with taking care of animals, living in a small house, and lacking creature comforts. The poor lady, for lack of better terms, will love her luxurious life before finding it completely empty. They would go home, not only having learned how the other half lived, but conveying to the audience that the wealthy were more controlled, clean, and lonely, while the less wealthy were chaotic, subsistence, but rich in togetherness (because they couldn’t afford anything else). However, it was somewhat arrogant for both of them, making fun of our differences rather than using them to bring people together. I was pleased to find that in this Housewives-themed version of the show, it happened and it didn’t happen.

This week’s subject is none other than the divisive Melissa Gorga. I’m a huge fan of Melissa Gorga. (I guess we, as fans, are called Gordita Crunches.) It’s not as if she doesn’t suffer for her faults as a housewife (cough, inventing personal stories, cough), and it’s not just that I hate her sister-in-law and archenemy, Teresa Giudice, with the fire of a million billion suns. I’ve always thought Melissa was articulate, hard-working, level-headed, and just plain cool, which shouldn’t matter, but I’m sorry that’s the case because I’m less deep than the Smurfs’ pool. What I never understood about her was that she let her husband Joe run the show and that she was only there to cook his food, clean his house, raise his kids, and fuck him 18 times a day so he could get the “poison” out of his body.

After watching this episode, I understand Melissa better. It starts with her in Franklin Lakes, New Jersey, enjoying the house she built her sprinkles cookie empire. We discover that it is obsessively clean. This makes sense considering we’ve never seen her house messy before, but it’s true for all housewives. Kyle Richards has 15 poorly trained dogs, and doesn’t see a single hair on any of her couches. I thought they always had someone come in to clean up before the film crew got there. Melissa and her family explain that she’s like this all the time, and that the trauma of growing up in a messy home forced her to love vacuuming her house like her sister-in-law loves not knowing how to say words.

At the Gorga house, Joe is gone 12 hours a day, the kids are on vacation from school, and Melissa works out, glams up, and then tries on clothes at Envy by Melissa Gorga. Wait, she’s becoming a witch all day? I thought this was just for the cameras. What’s her makeup budget? Does she have George, her makeup artist, on power of attorney? Does he live in a shed in the backyard? Melissa is worried, more than anything, that her new home will be messy and disorganized, which is to say it will be just that.

We meet the couple who will swap Melissa and Joe for Michelle and Sean. They live in East Point, Georgia, a southern suburb of Atlanta, and own a company that does double dutch, which sounds like the most fun exercise class but is also the most dangerous. The gym is located in the same mini-mall as the head injury clinic. (That’s not true, I’m just being silly.) Michelle and Sean are together all the time, never clean, and live in a messy two-bedroom house with three young children. One Way Wife swap What has changed over the years is that while Michelle walks around Melissa’s house talking about how big it is, Melissa never downplays the size of Michelle’s house or her living conditions.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Melissa doesn’t like how messy it is, how all the clothes are thrown into the hall closet, and how they leave dishes and food in the kitchen all night to clean up in the morning. I was going to say that the only thing worse than waking up to chaos is waking up to a stranger in your bed that you don’t remember bringing home, but half the time, that stranger turns out to be a pleasant surprise. You’ll never forget the mess, and it’s always as bad in the morning as it is when you fall asleep. Outsiders win this round.

The biggest point of contention in both households is that Michelle and Sean are vegetarians. When Melissa finds out that all she’s having for dinner is juice because Michelle and Shawn are on the last day of their juice cleanse, Melissa is in the kitchen sneaking French fries that are supposed to be for the kids. Michelle hates making spaghetti and meatballs for the Gorgas, especially because she doesn’t get any help. She also does not receive help with any household chores, including changing the dog’s diaper. When I first met Joe, I was amazed that they let the dog pee all over their wonderful home. Jo says she must have put the diaper on wrong. “Who puts it on?” she asks, then points to herself incredulously. “Michelle?” It’s the single best use of third person in a game Housewives program, which includes Kenya Moore’s hair band.

I’m sorry, I’m with the Gorgas. If someone showed up and forced me to eat a raw vegan dinner, I would complain and twist my face too. Honestly, the show’s most tense is when Michelle tells them what’s for dinner and Melissa’s daughter Antonia shoots her for a pout that could burn off a batch of Sunday sauce. But seriously, if I were on this show and found out I joined a plant-based household, I would pack up my belongings and move back home to free me and my family from these dietary restrictions. I appreciate the Gorga kids for keeping it real with their new mom, just as I appreciate Sean and Michelle’s three amazing angels for loving the Italian dinner (which is still vegan!) Melissa cooks for them. Children say: “I didn’t know that onions and garlic could make food better.” Well, what do they season these kids’ food with? I mean, there’s vegetarianism and then there’s cooking violations.

Speaking of kids, Michelle’s darlings, Sean Jr., Phoenix, and Maverick, are the absolute stars of this show. Not only are they cute as buttons and down for a good time, they also have the distinct honor of meeting Miss Phaedra Parks at a thrift store in suburban Atlanta, which they seem to thoroughly enjoy even if they have no idea who she is. Melissa and Maverick baking cookies together is absolutely adorable and can definitely cure depression and possibly the common cold. I also love when Melissa makes everyone clean up and organize, including putting their books in a little holder. I swear Sean Jr. was out there taking them out and throwing them on the floor to spite her, and this is a reality star in the making. Speaking of which, after meeting Phaedra and seeing Melissa, Phoenix says she wants hair, makeup, and nails just like a real housewife. This is how we get it. Andy Cohen has destroyed another young mind.

Gorga’s children are a different story. Not that they’re not great in their own way, but when Joe is sitting in the confessional with Gino on one side and Joey on the other, it feels like a casting waiting room. Jersey Shore Reboot. I seriously can’t tell the difference between the three of them. Melissa and Joe have had great success cloning new versions of themselves, like Barbra Streisand She did with her dogs.

It’s in their attitudes too. When Michelle tells them that they won’t be cleaning up after dinner, Joey and Geno agree to it and leave immediately without saying a word. Antonia, her mother’s daughter, feels she must clean, perhaps to keep her mother happy and perhaps because she has learned that this is a woman’s job all her life. But for the entire episode, Antonia is little Melissa. When Joe takes Antonia and Michelle to the job site, the adults work while Antonia is in the bulldozer taking selfies and “looking cute,” just like Melissa does. I mean I don’t mind any of this. The kids all seem adorable and well adjusted. It’s amazing how close these carbon copies are to the originals.

The format of the show hasn’t changed much from what it used to be, and we certainly still see stories about the wealthy versus the less wealthy. But it’s not all the same. The best part, every now and then, is when the wives finally meet each other and listen to the information. Before, it always seemed controversial, like what could one fix about the other or how they couldn’t understand each other. At the time, we loved it because it gave us top-notch reality TV drama, like when someone hates their new home in Trading spaces. Now I love it because it shows mutual compassion between two nations. They see the flaws in themselves and each other, and vow that Melissa will spend 10 percent more time with her husband and Michelle will spend 10 percent less time with her. Michelle also feels emotional about always feeling behind with the kids and chores, and Melissa tells her to just do her dishes so she can wake up with a better attitude. Life is hard, no matter how much money you have or how big your house is, but knowing what you can learn from others and what you can learn about yourself is truly a blessing. No matter how hard life is, it is at least easier than teaching a grown Italian how to double Dutch.